Palmer’s Wife Says “No” to Ocho

T Lamont — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:32:02 +0000

After giving birth to twins on January 20, Shaelyn Palmer has her hands tied. The life of a new mother is filled with middle-of-the-night feedings, frequent diaper changing, and constant crying. Now, multiply that by two. Apparently, Ochocinco would like her to multiply that by three.

Ochocinco's smile could easily light up the Palmer twins' nursery.

Carson’s wife received a text message from a friend saying that Ochocinco planned to stay with the Palmers during the days prior to training camp. Like a smart husband, Carson has indicated that this will not happen. “I just told him that unless he’s picking up my mortgage for the month of July and August, he can’t stay. He’s not living for free. I don’t need another kid around the house.”

But hey, I’m going to go against popular opinion on this one. Here are the top reasons why the Palmers should let Ocho stay:

- As proven on the football field, Ocho has great hands. If he has to babysit in a pinch, there should be no worries about him fumbling the babies.

- I may be going out on a limb here, but I have a feeling that Ochocinco would be the most thuggish-looking guy in the Palmer’s negihborhood. If that’s the case, they won’t have to worry about being robbed.

- If you put Ochocinco on the floor in the nursery, his gold fronts can be used as a nightlight to keep the babies from getting scared.

- When formula gets low, he can run to the grocery store faster than most people can drive.

- Given Ocho’s history of endzone celebrations, I’m confident that the twins would turn out to be better dancers than they would living in an “Ocho-less” environment.

- If the Palmers frivolously spend their income, Ochocinco can replenish the kids’ college fund by selling his teeth.

So, you see…the Palmers should stop being selfish and look at all the good Ocho could do for the kids. After all, it’s all about the kids, man.

Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson

T Lamont — Sun, 17 May 2009 01:27:03 +0000

Get Shareaholic

It’s pretty bad when you’re an extremely talented athlete – unquestionably one of the best in your position in the NFL – and you have to resort to name-calling to give yourself some press. But I’m not talking about the player formerly known as Chad Johnson denouncing someone else (although he’s no stranger to doing that)…I’m talking about this ridiculous name-changing fiasco.

Just like me, some of you NFL have probably followed this meaningless story. And for the purposes of limiting my keystrokes, the player formerly known as Chad Johnson will be referred to as TPFKACJ (acronym for “the player formerly known as Chad Johnson”).

"What's my name fool?!"

So, apparently, TPFKACJ applied for a name change, but failed to pay attention to detail and submitted “Ochocinco” instead of “Ocho Cinco.” What difference does that make you might ask? Not much from the perspective of proper Spanish grammar (eighty-five is actually ‘ochenta y cinco’).

Last year, the NFL told TPFKACJ that he couldn’t get that name printed on the back of his jersey because the NFL had already produced “Chad Johnson” merchandise. They only way they would accommodate him would be if he paid for all of the printed “Chad Johnson” merchandise. TPFKACJ declined to do that, so “Johnson” remained on the back on his jersey in 2008.

However, for the upcoming 2009 campaign, the NFL has recognized this publicity stunt-gone-stale- so TPFKACJ will now be known as “Chad Ochocinco.” But he was under the understanding that his name would be “Chad Ocho Cinco.”

So, now you know. And you can rest easily knowing that Ball or Nuthin’ will report on the things that you care about, as well as the things that you don’t.

Ball or Nuthin' » Chad Johnson

Palmer’s Wife Says “No” to Ocho

Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson