Once again, Shaq is proving me right by refusing to let the public forget about him. 

Beginning in mid-August, Shaq will star in a television series named “Shaq Vs.”  The premise of the series is that O’Neal will square off against superstar athletes in their particular sport of expertise.  So, this is either an opportunity for Shaq to show us how difficult each of these sports really is or to make us even more aware of how goofy he is.  In either case, the big fella continues to bring us along for the ride.

What’s even more compelling about this series is not the competition itself, but whether O’Neal will be serious with his attempts to unseat his competitors.  This could easily turn into a laugh-fest.  However, if the 4-time NBA Champion is really going to try to be victorious, here are my tips:

Football:  Ben Roethlisberger -

Everybody goes after Roethlisberger's right shoulder.

This injury report says it all.  Go for the right shoulder.  I don’t know what the competition will resemble, but go for his right shoulder.  I repeat…make some kind of contact with his right shoulder.  Give him a pat on the shoulder for good luck.  Accidentally stumble and fall on it.  Sneeze and headbutt it.  Dropkick it.

Cycling:  Lance Armstrong – First off, your legs are too long to get any momentum going.  That is, unless you find a bike like this.  But even so, I’m still going to put my money on the guy that weighs 150 pounds less.  And I think I feel pretty sorry for the bike that you’re gonna ride, big fella.

Boxing:  Oscar De La Hoya – Stepping into the squared-circle is nothing new for you.  But remember, this is boxing.  However, seeing as how De La Hoya will surgically tear you apart, you are permitted to use a wrestling tactic or two.  Just make sure that you “accidentally” knock out the ref before you bring in the brass knuckles.

 Note: The choke-slam will be fairly difficult to execute with boxing gloves on.

Baseball:  Albert Pujols – Well, unfortunately for O’Neal, there’s not much that he’ll be able to do against The Machine.  Basbeall is truly a game of skill and timing.  Given that Phat Albert has hit more grand slams this year (5) than most players do in their career, I don’t think he can be outdone in any pressure situation.  As I sit here my mind is going 100 mph…trying to come up with something.  Oh well…Shaq, you’re just gonna lose this one.

Tennis:  Serena Williams – Alright, your only hope lies in your wingspan.  Play real close to the net…and your arms should be fairly close to extending the entire length of the net.  But whatever you do, don’t get hypnotized by looking at her backside.  The next thing you know you’ll be spitting green tennis-ball fuzz out of your mouth.

Swimming:  Michael Phelps – Hey Shaq-Fu, everybody knows what Mike likes to do.  So go holla at the Birdman and see if he can get you a hook-up.  That should slow Phelps down considerably.

Here’s to hoping that Shaq makes the show interesting by actually trying to compete.  Then it’ll be clear just how Shaq-tacular he really is.

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